:the one where love looks quite ordinary:

lately i've been reading this and this. in the wake of the loss in Connecticut and the lives affected and broken there i am searching for how to love in this time and this place.

love has many forms.

sometimes it looks like art made with hands sharing my mama heart arriving via snail mail style on just the right day.

sometimes it looks like a brother and sister squabbling one minute and giggling the next. learning new tricks like how to climb high on playhouses and stand gloriously triumphant. cheers over hot chocolate then a mad game of hey lets dump it all over one another! 

sometimes it looks like little hands creating and selling to earn money to buy a poor girl a baby doll. knowing all too well privilege and how richly we are blessed.

sometimes it looks like a phone call from a grandparent that says hey, bring the children over and go enjoy a coffee date with the one you love.

sometimes it looks like hide-and-seek in the dark right before bed.

sometimes it looks like a text, or help with groceries, or just a hello.

sometimes it looks like gingerbread houses and candy strewn across the floor. tiny faces covered in icing.

sometimes it looks like diapers and cigarettes. 

sometimes it looks big and small and here and now.

sometimes it looks nothing like we thought it would.

let us love.

:the one where we love is just a word:

i came across this quote and sat silent starring at the screen for ages. the words sank deep to a place invisible to the naked eye. the place where things stick, taking root and have meaning.

if i am the one to give love meaning, i wonder what my children think of love? my neighbors? the grocery store workers? my husband? my family?

***

it was a perfect day for an outdoor party, out of character for December. the sun was overcast with a blanket of clouds, swept along by the wind that added a bit of a chill at times. the children ran and played and squealed like it was the middle of summer. children do not care about hot nor cold, neither will hinder their playtime.

eisley ran around with a couple of kiddos a tad older than her. she is drawn to the older kids. they climbed high to the top of a pergola and sat, legs swinging, chatting like adults over coffee, for the longest time.

noticing their height, i said to the other mothers, does this make you nervous? it didn't. i'm a worrier at times, overly cautious, overly concerned to a fault. my mind often goes to ugly places that show me pictures of her falling and breaking her arm, leg or neck. i blame this morbidity on Final Destination. i should have never watched that darn movie.

within moments the bigger kids shimmied their way down the pergola and ran off to play. my little one left alone. she loves to climb and be adventurous but this was overwhelming even for her. she called for me and i jogged over, every part of my being wanting to sprint like a cheetah. 

once i got to her i realized the pergola was significantly higher than it looked. trying to keep my cool i climbed up thinking why did i wear these stupid tall boots to the park. reading the fear in her eyes and knowing i could not safely get on top of that contraption and get down with her, i attempted to coax her into climbing down with my instruction. it was a no-go as she fought back tears. i yelled to a friend for some help knowing that even between the two of us this was a very dangerous situation.

then a call from another part of the park, do you need some help?
DEAR. LORD. YESSSSSS. 

a young dad playing with his son saw our distress and came to our rescue. as i watched him scale the pergola and careful place one of my most valuable treasures in his arms, bringing her down to safety, it clicked.

this is love.

that man did not know us, yet he rescued us. he gave love meaning.

let us give love meaning to someone today.


*linking up with carissa for miscellany monday

:the one where i encourage her to wait:

i had it made, the veil i wore in my wedding. it consisted of tulle and the most beautiful headband adorned with silver and pearls. the moment i put it on i teared up. i was a ball of emotion and excitement. we gathered to pray and overwhelmed with nerves i busted out crying/laughing. waiting to walk down the aisle i started again, tears. the ugly hold-back-the-tears face emerged as i entered those double doors. he took my hand and nervousness turned to giggles and i shook for a good three minutes, thankful for the protection offered by the veil.

i said i do and i did, and i still do, every day.

he is more than i could have ever hoped or imagined. when doubt creeps in and i wonder about god's involvement in our lives, i remember that day and all the days that have followed. he is reflection of goodness and mercy and grace. love unconditional. kisses that make my knees buckle. his smile and eyes mesmerizing.

this is what love looks like little one.

can i encourage you to do one thing? wait for it.

right now you are happy to make plans to marry your brother. yet, one day, your heart will beat fast and your tummy will feel strange and you will be a bundle of emotions. you will have crushes. oh will you ever have crushes. and you might be crushed. it hurts like the dickens sweet girl but you will recover. i have laid on the floor in a puddle of my own tears more than once over what i thought was love. it wasn't. love is patient and kind and selfless. it comes in all shapes and sizes but when in doubt look to your daddy. he is the epitome of love.

you know how he is always happy to see you? always answers when you call? always plays that game one more time? reads one more book? this is him meeting your needs, thinking of you first.
this is what love looks like.

you know how he takes you out, just the two of you? buys your favorite treat? talks with you and wants to know you?
this is what love looks like.

you know how he runs to the rescue when you are hurt? doctors you? dries your tears and adds a band aid where needed?
this is what love looks like.

you know how he referees your battles with your brother? encourages kindness and love and a pure heart? wanting the best in and for you?
this is what love looks like.

wait for it my child. wait for this kind of love. i promise you'll be glad you did.

:the one where i come undone...again:

her milk doesn't run down her chin and pool around her neck anymore. she has hit her stride, growing full speed. she carries her weight in her thighs, you will battle that for eternity dear child, i know this all too well. though i am exceptionally thankful for wrinkles and rolls and a nice round face.

most days i think i am at peace. our jarius baby, causing my faith to both solidify and waver, with her entry and existence. the peeking in repeatedly is normal, right? doesn't every mother hover with one hand on their babies back to make sure air is inhaled and exhaled? she sleeps right beside my bed in her pack and play though the others moved to their own room at three months.

i have had bunk beds for the big kids since before she was born. just a little paint and another mattress and we are ready for the move. the big kids will share a room for a while so baby girl can have the nursery all to herself. i paint them slowly, with a shrug, it's hard to paint with little ones at my feet. they are still undone.

undone.

that's what i became once again last night. unsure exactly what brought me from my slumber but it did so in a frenzy. i heard something, grabbed her and yelled. how she didn't wake up screaming from my man-handling her i will never know. her skin was cool to touch from the coolness of the night and her body limp from dead-to-the-world sleep. she wiggled mid-air and grunted. i apologized to that sweet man of mine that tolerates the crazy so well and laid baby girl back to rest.

motherhood, you are both wonderful and terrifying.

making a decision to have a child is momentous. it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside of your body.

-elizabeth stone

:the one where it's okay for us to think differently:

it was an old fashion ice cream shop and i was sixteen, ready for independence and spending money. family owned and homemade everything. the kind of place you don't see much these days. it was where everyone went after church on sunday nights and housed my grandpa's favoite flavor, black cherry.

the uniform, a combination of a hot pink shirt, white denim and a white hat was less than flattering. especially if you know me and the hang up i have with hats and pulling my hair back.

the owner, a tall, intimidating man, watched us to our cars each night in a fatherly way. once in a while one of us girls would have a fella waiting for us when the shop closed and he would say, "got one waitin' for ya" followed by a wink of approval.

the manager was a young woman, twenties or so, absolutely beautiful. she had hair way down to her bottom which most people wouldn't notice because of the previously mentioned hat. she was polite and always encouraging. her name was joy, suiting her perfectly.

she was pentecostal, though i didn't know that word at sixteen. i had only heard that denomination referred to as "holy rollers," whatever that means. somehow a discussion about speaking in tongues came up. young, southern baptist raised, i spouted off all the things i had been told about speaking in tongues. i acted like i knew what i was talking about. i acted holy. i was condescending. she responded with grace.

it's okay if you don't understand it.
it's okay to say you don't know.
it's okay that we think differently.

nearly twenty years later, her thoughts resonate deep within. it's okay if we don't understand each other. it's okay if we don't know the answers. it's okay if we think differently.

food for thought by john wesley:

though we cannot think alike, can we not love alike?

 

 

When I was young I was sure of everything. In a few years, having been mistaken a thousand times, I was not half so sure of most things as I was before. At present, I am hardly sure of anything but what God has revealed to me.

:the one where it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt:

he popped his blonde head up as soon as i opened the door, are we going to the post office and the park? yes, the post office then the park buddy. i promised an after nap adventure and an after nap adventure we would have topped with a little education. we've been studying community helpers and what better way to learn than to see the people and places in person.

the post office was tthe first stop. not an easy task with three little ones and not a task i normally look forward to. however, today i approached it as a learning experience. a sweet gentleman let me and my crew go ahead of him which i think he probably regretted quickly. the computer froze and would not process my shipment. of course no one behind me knew that. so that gentleman had to wait much longer than he anticipated.

we talked about community helpers and they asked the sweet lady behind the counter some questions and chatted with her daughter, a fifth grader, while we waited. they asked for snack about 350 times but maintained their composure, thank you jesus.

next up the park to see the ducks. they played and laughed and got entirely too close to the water giving me heart palpatations. i watched the older ones closely as i planned different rescue maneuvers in my mind in case they happened to fall in. not long into our adventure, the coopster spots a tree she simply must climb. the little dude and i plop down on a bench so he can finish his snack while baby girl just hangs out in the stroller. moments later eisley screams and comes over crying rubbing her chest and belly. she said she got stung by a bug so i go over to investigate. sure enough there was an odd spiny, tiny creature on the tree that she must have laid on while climbing. it was dead but one of the little spiny things went into her skin. she cried and cried and cried. she said things like:

i wish daddy were here.
why did you choose that tree?
why didn't you check to see if there were bugs on it?
i'm never coming to the park again.
i'm never climbing another tree again.

now this girl loves to climb trees. here she is climbing the tree at her grandparents house IN A DRESS. a dedicated tree climber indeed. but she got hurt. she was wounded doing something she loves. so she decided, if something i love can hurt me then i just won't love it anymore.

as i turned over the events of the day, i felt a heavy shift in my soul. i get it little one. my heart still hurts from wounds received throughout the years. yet, if i stopped loving all the things that hurt me i would love very little. i don't want to love little. i want to love much. so much it hurts.

yes, love so much it hurts. then love some more.

:the one where we play the right kind of games :

when you are young there is this whole battle for control. a desire to control people. especially those of the opposite sex. you like him but he doesn't like you. then he likes you but you don't like him anymore. there are secrets and hurts and words that should have never been spoken. yet you love and he loves this shallow love that you one day realize wasn't love at all.

one day you meet love and it looks nothing like the deceiver that possessed so many years of your young life.

one day you meet love and it is real and deep and forever.

one day you meet love and it doesn't control. it doesn't hurt and words are never weapons.

one day you meet love and it doesn't hold back or pretend. it gives and accepts.

one day you meet love and it gives you late night talks about everything and nothing at all.

one day you meet love and it is a game of horse, with the little ones new basketball goal, while the tinies sleep.

one day you meet love and it is late night runs to the grocery store for your favorite ice cream and magic shell.

one day you meet love and it is laundry and sweeping floors. no longer chores but teamwork.

one day you meet love and it is compromise and bending over backwards, never competition.

one day you meet love and it is more than you could have ever dreamed.

one day you meet love and it is laughter, so. much. laughter.

one day you meet love and it is blue eyes and smiles passed down to little ones you made together.

one day you meet love and it is fun.

one day you meet love and it is forever and true.

you find that it is without a doubt, worth the wait.

::that thing we search for smooth skin to wrinkles::

***

she came running in smiling ear to ear.
"he called me my eisley!"

i giggled and said "yes you are his eisley. he loves you so much."
she smiled a knowing smile and ran back to her room to play.

ownership.
we all desire it
we want to be claimed.
we want someone to want us. to call us "my," "mine," "beloved."
we search for it smooth skin to wrinkles.
this quest, that consumes yet hides in the darkness, paves the way to contentment or demise.

he looked me in the eyes when he said the words that were untrue.
"i love you."
he didn't.
i didn't love him either. i loved the idea of being in love with him.

demise.

seven years later those words resurface. but this time, this one, means it.
he loved me for a while from a distance and has promised to love me forever.
i love.
i am loved.
i am his.

can she skip the untrue?
can she skip the heartache and go straight to the bliss of true love and the promise of forever?

i know the answer. 
so i will show her love at all cost along the way. i will call her "my," "mine," and "beloved," in hopes that she will recognize the lie and wait for the truth.


*linking up with heather for just write

::when heartbreak hits::

:photo:

i've said before i had the awesome honor of working with teenage girls for a number of years through an in-home bible study. they hold my heart and pull at it's strings with their growing pains. so for {all the single ladies} of gbs...read on.

***************************

i remember it well, the phone call and words passed from him to him to her to me.

unwanted.

that was the message i heard.

unworthy.

that was how i felt.

lies filled my mind as i held letters and sentiments that had previously said otherwise.
did it mean nothing?
did i mean nothing?

it's an ugly road rejection takes us down.
a road of self-doubt and internal destruction.
so let me say dear friend...

you are wanted.
you are worthy.
you are lovely.
you are loved.


and there is a better road ahead.
press on dear friend. press on.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

:: thoughts on marriage [no.2]::

a couple of weeks ago i started a little series: thoughts on marriage where i light heartedly encourage new wives, to live simply, consider the heart and for heavens sake just pick up his underwear when it's left on the floor!

i had a great response to the post and the following comment so resonated with me::

The advice that I have to remind myself is to "be best friends." My husband is the man that I chose to be closest with for the rest of my life, so I have to remember to treat him like my best friend, not a roommate, a handy to-do man, or my pin cushion.

so how can we "be best friends" with our husbands?


1. praise him

be his biggest cheerleader and supporter.  when he dreams, dream with him. encourage him. we have chosen to journey the sometimes difficult road of marriage with this person for our whole lives do it with praise and you will have 41 years, longing for more.

2. show him

think of a way to show love to him every day. my husband goes to work at a craaaaazy hour of the night and one thing i do with great joy is make his coffee and set the timer so it will be ready when he wakes. it's not much, but i do it out of love for him. some other things you could do:

• write him a love note (or send a love filled email).
• leave him a gift card for lunch to his favorite place.
• make his favorite dinner.
• plan a date night.
• buy a special treat like his favorite candy. (i bought my sweet fella a bag of the mini reese cups to surprise him. it was a warm day so instead of a bag of mini reese cups, he got one large melted together reese cup. he was thankful all the same)

:photo:

3. listen to him

women speak more than 16,000 words per day and men speak about 7,000. so obviously we have a lot to say. i personally am never at a loss for words. there is always something to talk about in my book. he, on the other hand, doesn't talk quite like i do. but when he does talk and converse, i listen, engage and hang on every word. ask his opinion about things and more importantly listen to his response. being heard makes us feel valued. so hear him and hear him well ladies.

"it is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages"

-fredrich nietzsche

okay ladies, lets hear how you keep friendship in your marriage?

::thoughts on marriage::

:photo:

what feels like a lifetime ago i hosted a community girls bible study in my home. girls came from all around to eat, play games, hang out and learn about jesus. it was a special time in my life. it was a time to give them what i did not have at their age. a safe place to be themselves.

the first time i went to youth sunday school no one welcomed me except the teacher which was one of my classmates dad. can we say obligation? i was a shy, introverted, awkward kid and treated as such. except by a few select boys that were my friends from school which did not help my situation when it came to the girls in the class. oh and please don't think it was because i was pretty and competition for them. i wasn't...either of those things. i had braces and was in that transition phase of having the top of my mouth widened, ya know with the key you turn every night. so i had rather large and unattractive gap between my already crooked teeth. i apparently hadn't looked in the mirror in months because in my school picture, i can now look back on and laught at, i had a perm that started about midway down my head due to non maintenance. so needless to say i did not become the most popular girl in youth group. i actually hated youth group.

so with that said....community girls bible study was a place that anyone and everyone could come and be welcomed. i loved those girls and they loved me. i respected them and shared their burdens and helped them sort through their drama. it felt like, and still does, just yesterday that i was in their shoes, going through the same struggles. i could relate.

several of those girls that attended have graduated high school, college and are now married and a few have children.

since i am a lifestage ahead of these girls i thought i would share a few things with the newlyweds that may encourage them in this season of their lives.

:photo:

1. live simply.
you will be tempted to buy a new car, new furniture, new everything. you just will. it's called instant gratification and our society has been saturated with the idea that you must have whatever you want RIGHT NOW. it's a lie. you don't. i promise you will be happier if you will save save save. jacob and i lived in a tiny one bedroom apartment and bought second hand furniture when we were first married and it was wonderful. it was a lovely start to our lives together. also, read organized simplicity by tsh oxenreider for great perspective on living simply.

2. consider the heart.
did your new husband just say something stupid that either cut straight to the heart or totally ticked you off? yeh that. ignore it. ask yourself, was his intent to cause me harm? if the answer is no, and it most likely is, just ignore it and know that you are loved.

we were with friends a few weeks ago and the wife made the comment about not being able to lose weight (although she totally doesn't need to- she looks like a model- seriously...and yes i'm talking to you-serious eyes). ahem, anyway, the husband says something like" if you would just... blah blah blah."  jacob and i both looked at each other and simultaneously said something like "dude! what are you doing?" he's a super guy. loves his wife. doesn't care if she loses weight (again she doesn't need to) but he just spoke without thinking. we all do it. excuse it and move on. life will be sweeter if you do.

3. if his underwear is in the floor just pick it up.
i don't know why but men just like to leave their underwear, and other articles of clothing, on the floor, or chair, or windowseat. geez. yes, it drives me bonkers too. and yes, i occasionally say something like, "babe! i pick up after the children i shouldn't have to pick up your stuff too." but then i pick it up anyway and either put it away or give it to him and move on. afterwards realizing the moments following would have been  much sweeter without saying a word. in the broad scheme of things does it really matter? just pick up his draws (is that how you would spell it?) and move on. don't waste precious moments of your life together on petty matters.


this concludes todays lesson on being newly married.

please add your thoughts and humor if you like.

::love looks like...::

Late night chats, head to pillow after the children have fallen asleep. Talking about life, love, politics, religion, simple living and our dreams. Making love takes a new form.


Endurance of the tired child that desperately needs sleep but does not yet understand the goodness of rest.


The giving of one more minute, one more sip of milk and one more peek around the room for monsters.


Grace for one another and others.

Holding hands in the car and as we walk. Always touching. Even if at the end of the day when all energy has been poured out, our feet meet beneath the warmth of our covers saying “I’m here.”


Pictures unending to document this amazing life.


This is what love looks like right now.
What does love look like to you?



*this post was inspired by sarah at emerging mummy*
*linking up at life rearranged  for instafriday*

::don't be an ass::

you've heard the cliche phrase :

"you know what happens when you assume...wink-wink, nudge-nudge..it makes an ass out of you and me."

it's trite but totally true.
we all make them.
but we shouldn't.

assumptions hurt.
assumptions fuel insecurities.
assumptions lead to judgement.
assumptions lead to wrong conclusions.
assumptions are unneccessary.

so how do we avoid this path of destruction paved by assumptions?

ask questions:

instead of overanalyzing what you think you heard or read (the written word can be seriously harmful) just clarify. what did you mean by that statment?

consider the heart:

does the person you are interacting with care for you? are their intentions to come across harsh or unkind? is this just part of their personality? if the answer is yes to any of those questions then simply excuse their comments. give grace.

remember it's all in perspective:

we all have different perspectives on life and circumstances based on our personal experiences. so it's best in a stressful situation that could be misinterpreted to consider that you each may have different perspectives.

i love the book rainbow fish. at one point eisley knew the entire book word for word. i think it is a beautiful example of sharing what we have with others. however, one day i engaged in a conversation with someone who did not care for the book because she felt it was a terrible lesson that taught kids they have to buy friendships. interesting perspective that i had never considered.

we are unique beings. so our takes on things will frequently be different than the people around us.

look at the big picture:

in the broad scheme of things, does this matter? does this have a place in the legacy i am creating?

excuse:

whenever possible excuse and overlook. just let it roll off your shoulders and move on.  as ann voskamp said in her book 1000 gifts: "expectations kill relationships."

::a mommy who says {yes}::

:photo:

recently i read this post and this post about saying {YES} to our children.

so in response to these readings i said::

yes eisley, you can play dress up.
yes eisley, we can be fairies and chase each other throughout the house.
yes eisley, i will come see what you have created, right now.
yes eisley, you can have one more minute to play.
yes eisley, we can snuggle and watch a show before bed.
yes eisley, we can read two books tonight.
yes eisley, you can sleep with 357 toys tonight.

and what did i get in return??

yes mommy, i'm coming to the dinner table.
yes mommy i will try everything on my plate.
yes mommy, i'm coming to the bath.
yes mommy, i will help durgin.
yes mommy, it's time for bed.
good night mommy, i love you forever.

::tutu's, minnie mouse, chic-fil-a {OH MY!}::

"the greatest gift i ever had came from god and i call him dad" 

-anonymous   

i grabbed a sweater and matching leggings out of her closet.
when i turned around she was bent over rumaging though her {dress up clothes} looking for the perfect accessory.
her first pick was a silky red skirt.
but her outfit was pink so that wouldn't work.
next the frilly pink tutu she received for christmas.
yep that's the one.
she wiggled her tiny little tale into the tutu and....yep. perfect.
she was ready for her date.
her {daddy-date}.

she went out of her room to meet her handsome escort for the evening. they greeted one another, then he gave her the most beautiful bouquet of daisies and carnations. small and dainty just like our little princess. next he gave her a special minnie mouse for the occasion.

now this girl will go crazy for a minnie mouse....daddy knows her love language.

off they went.
chic-fil-a for fine dining.
pinkalicious ice-cream.
to top it all off....the {plaaaaaay areaaaaaa}!!!

he loves her.
he cares for her.
he shows her every day.
she will never have to search for love.
she knows what it looks like.
hopefully she will never settle for anything less than what her daddy has shown her.

{ahhh....the weekends}

:: i love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach ::

elizabeth barrett browning

{happy saturday friends}

{psst....i've got a secret....}

{photo}

they sat together over a dinner prepared in celebration of a great accomplishment. 41 years together. when 1 out of every 2 couples will part ways at some point during their journey together...that's amazing.

{41 years}

but they cried.
nostalgia?
she was missing a dear friend...her mother.
she asked why he was crying.
his response..."we won't have 41 more."

true love and sincere heartache for the years that won't be shared. not because of divorce or discord but because their time on this earth...in those bodies....is fleeting.

she said it with a sparkle in her navy blue eyes.
words like honey...sweet to my soul.
i asked..."what makes your marriage so sweet?"

{praise, my friend. praise.}

those words immediately took me to words i heard earlier in the week:

"it's easy to appreciate what we once had."
-shane hipps

the lesson that echoed in my mind:

{appreciate. be thankful. praise.}

what are you appreciating?
thankful for?
how can you praise those your love today?

grace and peace sweet friends,

{diamonds. roses. and knives. OH MY!}

{photo credit}

i received the text.
then i waited 10 minutes for my phone to reveal the news {thank you iphone 3}.
a diamond.
shiney and new on the sweetest little finger.
i called her immediately waiting with anticipation to hear it.
confirm it.
relish in it with her.
when she answered i squeeled and she squeeled right back.
{i don't know why girls do that...we just do, k?}
i shared her joy.
she shared her story.
so sweet.
so simple.
so intentional.
ahhhh....the joys of engagement.
i remember mine so clearly. i relive it often. it is a memory held in a special place never to be forgotten.
knives that distracted me.
white roses that filled the kitchen.
the man i love dressed in the color that make his eyes even more beautiful.
one knee.
the four words every girl dreams about from childhood.
{"will you marry me?"}
yes! yes! a million times yes!
i will be yours forever.

take time to remember those special moments today.
relive them.
relish them.
be thankful once again.

grace and peace friends,