:the one where everything is beauty:

it sneaks in unnoticed, uninvited. builds a home. i am the landlord. collecting monthly, sometimes daily, what is rightly mine. it screams entitlement and the right to be just so.

bitterness.
unforgiveness.
in its ugliest of forms.

the other side, polar opposite. clothed in flesh and blood and light, holding no agenda. arrives in khaki shorts and a t-shirt carrying a basket full of apples. another, the one that wears stripes, a smile and open arms to hold my babies. an email that says i get you.i hear you, i need you in my life. a day for my children to ride rides and trains and laugh. new clothes for them as well. a text. a package in the mail.

these people, these things overshadow the ugly that resides. overpower it even. this is goodness and mercy perusing. goodness and mercy are power and we are the possessors. these hands made for giving. this heart made for loving. this mouth made for truth.

::the one where i think we might drive off the mountain spiraling to our death:::

:photo source:

deep breath i say to myself as we start down the mountain. he always goes too fast for my comfort. i turn to look away from the possibility that haunts my mind. the possibility of losing control and floating slowly to the earth knowing all the while that these are my last moments.

i turn to look out the window, noticing anything and everything that would take my mind away from such morbid thoughts. the sky spreads that deep carolina blue. the mountain rises high all around us and most of the trees have yet to bloom. i notice the rocks that form the mountain, both rugged and beautiful. though we have made this drive a hundred times over the years i haven't noticed it before. right there in the middle of hard earth, trees growing among the rocks. beauty unexpected.

rohen was moved to the intermediate nursery after her stay in the NICU. exhaustion loomed and discharge was still not on the agenda. my soul was growing weary from lack of sleep and the not knowing. i went in to snuggle with my little darling, wires coming out of her in every direction and the monitor that never shut up in the background. there was a shift change and a new nurse was now in rohen's room. we introduced ourselves and small talked for just a minute. i wasn't in the mood to talk. the dam that i had built when we heard the news about rohen was growing unsteady and the last thing i wanted was to fall apart with a stranger.

the nurse performed her assessments on the other two babies in the room, humming all along with the music i hadn't initially noticed. it was christian music. i typically don't listen to christian music and have a bit of disdain for the whole term "christian" music. but this woman made it all so appealing. her demeanor was compassionate and gentle. as i watched her shower the other babies with love, peace washed over me. she doesn't know it but in that moment she was beauty unexpected.

where have you found beauty unexpected?

::the nights that sleep won't come::

:photo:

it was but the slightest thump thump.
below the surface.
so gentle i had to be still and prayed for quiet so i could notice it again.
the little one making itself known.

those nights when sleep simply won't come, i place my hands just below my belly button and wait, nearly holding my breath.
thump thump.
comfort washes over me and holds me like a warm blanket.
i think of Him. the creator of all things.
it is in these moments that i trust Him most.

He is here.
He is present.
He is involved.
He is still creating in and through me.

:photo:

He is the potter, i am the clay.
the clay...spinning and molding and being shaped with the promise of beauty in the end.

how are you recognizing Him today?


* better late than never, linking up with heather's {just write}*