March 21, 2012

::the one where i think we might drive off the mountain spiraling to our death:::

deep breath i say to myself as we start down the mountain. he always goes too fast for my comfort. i turn to look away from the possibility that haunts my mind. the possibility of losing control and floating slowly to the earth knowing all the while that these are my last moments.

i turn to look out the window, noticing anything and everything that would take my mind away from such morbid thoughts. the sky spreads that deep carolina blue. the mountain rises high all around us and most of the trees have yet to bloom. i notice the rocks that form the mountain, both rugged and beautiful. though we have made this drive a hundred times over the years i haven't noticed it before. right there in the middle of hard earth, trees growing among the rocks. beauty unexpected.

rohen was moved to the intermediate nursery after her stay in the NICU. exhaustion loomed and discharge was still not on the agenda. my soul was growing weary from lack of sleep and the not knowing. i went in to snuggle with my little darling, wires coming out of her in every direction and the monitor that never shut up in the background. there was a shift change and a new nurse was now in rohen's room. we introduced ourselves and small talked for just a minute. i wasn't in the mood to talk. the dam that i had built when we heard the news about rohen was growing unsteady and the last thing i wanted was to fall apart with a stranger.

the nurse performed her assessments on the other two babies in the room, humming all along with the music i hadn't initially noticed. it was christian music. i typically don't listen to christian music and have a bit of disdain for the whole term "christian" music. but this woman made it all so appealing. her demeanor was compassionate and gentle. as i watched her shower the other babies with love, peace washed over me. she doesn't know it but in that moment she was beauty unexpected.

where have you found beauty unexpected?


  1. I love this question! I think the most beautiful moments that stand out to me are times when I have served or someone has served me. I've found myself on the receiving end of meals and had to have people sit with me and my 1 year old for 6 weeks i wasn't allowed to be alone. As hard as it is to accept gifts, it's beautiful.

  2. Oh my gosh, I have for sure had those experiences of driving like that with another driver, one that comes to mind is driving in the mountains of Crete just last Fall, so so terrifying!
    I loved how you used that analogy and the analogy of your suffering through your child's suffering to bring it all together. I hadn't realized you went through that, I have heard the NICU is life changing for parents, how hard to endure. But look at what you found in that, and that is WHAT COUNTS! xo thanks for sharing!!! You are an inspiration!

  3. And I hope I read this clearly, was this with your children? I didn't see it explained exactly and I know there is a lot I don't know about you...maybe I have the story mixed up.

    I know what you mean about the christian music, there is just something about worship music!


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