::the one where i open my heart and let you peek in {our NICU experience}::

***

i'm watching them explore in the woods behind our house. they imagine great things exist there and he worries about bees he cannot see.

why do we fall prey to things that do not exist, things we cannot see but only worry will come to fruition?

he says to his sister, "eisley, can you pweeeease help me?"

i made the same request to Him as the van galloped along the interstate to the NICU that day.

i do not see prayer as the asking. lots of requests are made but what will be, will be. we can give god credit for the good. what about the bad?

who am i that he should intervene for my child but not the other six along side her that seem so much worse? ventilators, suction machines, bili lights surround them. none hover over my child. none are needed.

as i ride and pray the prayer of asking, i confess my lack of faith in His intervention. not in his power or even his willingness. i know his love is great. but in the thought that life was set in motion by Him long ago. sin entered and we live in a broken world.

maybe He did heal my baby girl, but not others. why? why my request of health honored while others denied? these thoughts haunt my mind.

i'm familiar with the go-to response to those questions, god uses good and bad for his glory. i agree. he does use it. he does not cause it. to say he intervened and caused the good would also demand the alternative of him causing the bad, wouldn't it?

i would never take the life of one of my children to teach a lesson to the other two. scripture says that if i know to give good gifts to my children like bread instead of a stone or fish instead of a snake them wouldn't god give good gifts to those who ask for them?

still i prayed in silence. begging god that she would be fine.

jacob said from the start behind hot tears, "she's okay. there is nothing wrong with her."

i couldn't decide if it was faith or denial, but i found comfort in his confidence even though i was consumed with doubt in a god who rescues.

"please heal my daughter," danced through my mind. the request of jarius desperate for his little one to be okay.

my hands shook as i signed the consent for a lumbar puncture on my 1 day old baby. her hands and feet bruised from needles taking blood for tesitng. 4 days later all tests negative for infection.

healing?

it's all a blur as i look back. only certain of the things i managed to jot down in the midst of chaos. all i know is that her oxygen levels drop during feedings. the solution? thicken her milk and pray that she avoids choking as she eats.

"get her something to eat," jesus said to jarius after he took his daughter by the hand and said "my child, get up."

so we are giving baby rohen something to eat and holding gratitude in our hearts for our jarius story.



*more about the healing of jarius' daughter can be found in the following passages: Luke 8, Matthew 9 and Mark 5