:the one where i come undone...again:

her milk doesn't run down her chin and pool around her neck anymore. she has hit her stride, growing full speed. she carries her weight in her thighs, you will battle that for eternity dear child, i know this all too well. though i am exceptionally thankful for wrinkles and rolls and a nice round face.

most days i think i am at peace. our jarius baby, causing my faith to both solidify and waver, with her entry and existence. the peeking in repeatedly is normal, right? doesn't every mother hover with one hand on their babies back to make sure air is inhaled and exhaled? she sleeps right beside my bed in her pack and play though the others moved to their own room at three months.

i have had bunk beds for the big kids since before she was born. just a little paint and another mattress and we are ready for the move. the big kids will share a room for a while so baby girl can have the nursery all to herself. i paint them slowly, with a shrug, it's hard to paint with little ones at my feet. they are still undone.

undone.

that's what i became once again last night. unsure exactly what brought me from my slumber but it did so in a frenzy. i heard something, grabbed her and yelled. how she didn't wake up screaming from my man-handling her i will never know. her skin was cool to touch from the coolness of the night and her body limp from dead-to-the-world sleep. she wiggled mid-air and grunted. i apologized to that sweet man of mine that tolerates the crazy so well and laid baby girl back to rest.

motherhood, you are both wonderful and terrifying.

making a decision to have a child is momentous. it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside of your body.

-elizabeth stone

::how to encourage those in crisis::

he came in as he always does after assessing the babies. we perked up ready to hear that we had brought another awesome kid into the world. when my eyes met his, my heart dropped, and i knew something was not right.

he went on to describe an episode he witnessed in our newborn baby. i felt the tears welling up and fought them tooth and nail. the doctor walked out and my eyes found his, the one who would carry this burden with me and we fell apart together.

he made all the phone calls.
he handled all the text messages.
he stepped forward and let me withdraw.

they came and took our baby. two of the most precious women along the way- the transport team. they were gentle and compassionate. totally aware of the difficulty we were facing as parents in letting our 1 day old baby girl be taken away by strangers to a strange place.

we made our way to the NICU and found our baby girl in the hands of another angel. she loved on rohen holding her, stroking her hair, sweet talking her as if she were her own. she along with several doctors informed us that she would be there at least 4 days for blood work and testing to see what caused her episode.

four days seemed like an eternity to me.
four days that turned into a week seemed even longer, until i met her.
she said "you must be new here."
i said, "no, we've been here a week."
she said, gently with her hand on my shoulder, "you're new here."

she had been there seven weeks and would be going home with her little one soon. another woman and her baby had been there 107 days and would be going home the monday following our discharge. in retrospect, one week is so minimal in comparison to what most go through. but each day is drawn out and overwhelming when you are in crisis.


{a few things that encouraged us during this time}

• phone calls and text messages galore. i often did not answer the phone if someone called (had to keep those flood gates closed) but the voice mail and text messages were so encouraging.
• a friend of jacob's sister sent us a basket full of snacks, roll of quarters and coloring books for the kids.
• another family member sent money for meals. we ate nearly every meal in the hospital cafeteria and it did get a bit pricey.
• friends and family brought coffee and meals numerous times.
• a friend came and took jacob out to dinner one night, his wife sent socks and a hoodie and my favorite tea.
• friends came and brought our favorite candy.
• family and friends took time to sit with us, laugh with us and show they care.
• our family cleaned our house and washed our clothes so we wouldn't have to wear the same thing the whole week.
• our family arranged for our two darlings, 5 and 2 to be cared for the entire week and we never had to worry.
• my father-in-law and brother-in-law jumped off our van when the battery went dead. (i may or may not have left the interior light on)
• everyone gets credit for overlooking the terrible smell of our stinky feet from wearing the same pair of toms all week. (however, i did get a new pair mid-week and i will share that story another time)
• prayer. lots and lots of prayer.

more to come on our NICU story.

luke 8:50

"hearing this, jesus said to jarius, don't be afraid, just believe and she will be healed."

what are some other ways to reach out to those in crisis?