:thoughts on motherhood // on independence & the sting of it:

i had big plans for our day. i'm on a mission to show her a fun mom. i dreamed it for days. my sister-in-law was coming to curl her hair as a special treat. i promised her blush, mascara and lip gloss. this is something she has enjoyed only once in her short six years and it was for her ballet recital. 

the day arrived and we started our pampering session. the joy lasted for only moments then things quickly went downhill. she did not squeal with delight as i applied the mascara. in fact she cried, i'm still not sure why. she did not hug me repeatedly, overflowing with joy. she did not say anything along the lines of oh mommy this is the best day ever, as i pictured. 

once we arrived at the event center, she immediately released me from my anticipated role of wingmom. she ran off in her fluffy white gown to be with the other fancy girls. she didn't look back, much. when asked what her favorite part of the wedding was, she replied, i really like wandering around everywhere, and she did. more than once we looked up to see her  entertaining an entire table full of adults. she pranced around the room with not a care in the world, full of joy in the being. 

she made a new friend, the ring bearer, the only other child present. she shared her animal crackers and conversed with his mother as if they were long lost friends. i waited for a moment when she might need me. i looked for fear that would seek out comfort and found none. sure she would bounce back to our table from time to time for a drink or a bite to eat but it wasn't long until the calling to seek out and be among others overtook her. 

i found myself both happy and sad. i squeezed jacob's arm and he gave me a knowing look. i am happy that my darling is independent and social. she has a deep love for people and a desire to know them. she is a great conversationalist and can hold her own even with those much older. she is polite and kind, silly and playful. 

sadness came in the independence. it wanted to linger but i refused it. this is our goal isn't it? raising her to be a loving and kind human being. a person concerned for others above herself. one that brings joy to all she encounters. one that will make marks for good in the upside-down-kingdom. i cannot hold her hand on this journey but i can love her, support her and encourage her from where i stand. i can be there when she returns to feed her body and soul as needed. yes this my calling. this is motherhood.