:the one where i like my unforgiveness:

our table was full again last night. full of food and laughter. good friends and conversation. at times we could hardly hear ourselves think as the children ran circles around the table. fresh-from-the-bath-hair flapping in the wind, getting out that last bit of energy before bedtime.

the dishes clanked as they were rinsed and loaded into the dishwasher. cleaning the table, a group effort. she knows, from way back, my need for a tidy kitchen in order to relax. she accepts that part of me.

jacob made espresso in his fancy little espresso maker while i snuggled tired children and tucked them into their beds for a good nights sleep. tell me about that time you were playing at your friends house and venom walked by the garage, durgin requested. so i told him this elaborate story that we have created together, then we said good night and he was off to sleep. i make my way across the hall to eisley, she asked about the house catching on fire as she does every night. fear is a jerk. i remind her of perfect love, inviting fear to hit the road. i hold her tight reminding her of mommy's love and say good night.

i grabbed the cable knit blanket as i walked by the couch, wrapped myself up, though it was still 75 degrees in our house, and plopped on the couch next to jacob. practicing the way of jesus is topic of discussion. loving the poor, caring for orphans, feeding the hungry, reaching out to the downtrodden and discouraged. yes, this is our journey. this is my heart. these are the things i am teaching my children daily.

then someone said you could invite your enemy for dinner. they weren't speaking specifically to me but
it was as if someone sat on my chest, lungs tight, air lacking. invite my enemy for dinner???? 

i'd like to say, as an adult, that i don't have any enemies. yet, truth be told, i like my unforgiveness. he is an old friend that shows up when i need him. he doesn't knock, old friends never do, he just comes right in. we reminisce about old times and he reminds me of his faithfulness. i hold him close, a comfort. justification for the hard places in my heart.

love your enemies
do good to those who hate you
bless those who mistreat you

a sumu match of the soul takes place. surely you didn't mean those people jesus? unforgiveness speaks up on my behalf, let me remind you of what they did to her. unforgiveness lays out the ugly details of that time my heart shattered into a million pieces. that time my reputation was put to question. that time i was knee deep in the ministry of shaping young girls' hearts and maliciously interrupted.

remember jesus? 
surely you don't mean to love those people? to be good to those people? to bless those people?
unforgiveness stood firm, eyebrows furrowed with determination, while jesus responded with gentleness that laid heavy, yes those people. 


*linking up with carissa for miscellany monday
*linking up with heather for just write