December 17, 2012

:the one where my mother heart aches:

the clouds hung low and the rain poured heavy, limbs bowing at the weight of it all. i walked around aimlessly most the day, floating here and there in no one direction. no purpose. i entertained the children with board games, crafts, movies and snacks. anything to keep the day moving forward. i found myself a bit snippy and impatient and wondering why.

later in the day i packed them up and sent them off with kisses to their grandparents house. they are loved there. loved with toys and snuggles and yummy things for their bellies. probably more than usual on this visit.

it's quite possible every kid in america received extra this weekend.

one more minute.
one more movie.
one more cookie.
one more kiss.
one more hug.
one more snuggle.
one more game. 
one more.

once the house was quiet i read this. i needed to read it. i needed to process the news. i needed to mourn the loss. i needed to grieve with the mothers i may never know. it was a hard read. hard to know their names. knowing their names makes it real. like when you hold your new born baby and you call them by the name you have held in your heart, just for them. at that moment the heaviness falls upon you- this is a person. they belonged to someone. someone that will never know their hugs and kisses in this life again.

my heart shattered into shards of glass emerging as tears until there were no pieces left to spill. i called him to hold me and he did but no comfort i found. there is no comfort in this. it is and should be uncomfortable. it should be so uncomfortable that our discomfort leads to action. leads to love. love with hands and feet and words and faith that moves mountains to be one people, united, carrying one another's burdens.

it would be so easy to disconnect, to ignore the hurt, flip the switch. yet we are called, commanded even, to carry the load, the heavy one, together. we were not meant to walk this road alone. we are one body. His body, the one that was broken for us, so that we can be broken for one another. yet it is not enough to be broken. we must be moved to change. to love harder. to love intentionally. to love well. to love often. to love until it hurts and then love more.

we must love.

let us love a real, unstoppable, overflowing, contagious kind of love right where we are today.

*linking up with carissa for miscellany monday

1 comment:

  1. This is so good. We must be able to come away with a stronger love than we had before.


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