January 9, 2012

::thoughts on motherhood [the one where i will not say 'i'm a bad mother"]::


we sat, coffee in hand talking about life and the expectancy of new life. it's unimaginable, life before kids. we just cannot remember what we did then, what filled our days.

motherhood changed my world like no other milestone.
i gave birth to that little darling nearly five years ago and knew then that life....i, would never be the same. i knew then that i would do anything to protect her. i would give my life for her.

in those first years i struggled trying to find my way as a mother. desiring to do things differently. i wanted to teach her to be loving by being loving, kindness by being kind, gentleness by being gentle. that was and still is my longing. but there are days where being loving and kind and gentle do not come easy for mommy or anyone else.

i started using the phrase [i'm such a bad mom] to begin descriptive tales of how i had failed my child that day. i said it so much to my best friend, who is the best mom i know, that she started saying it when she failed. one day she looked at me and said:

we are not saying this anymore. our girls are listening to our words. we are not bad moms. we are good moms and we will mess up.


whoa.

she was totally right, on both counts.
i am a good mom.
i will mess up.

recently i said something, carelessly, that crushed my sweet girls heart.
tears rolled and she buried her head in my shoulder.
you hurt my feelings, she said.

it was silly what i said. irrelevant.
the world would have went on without my comment and her spirit would have went uncrushed.
i squeeze her tight and looked right into her sweet blue eyes, wet with tears, and told her i was sorry. her reponse? i forgive you, shrugged shoulders, crooked smile, we're best friends!

lesson learned sweet girl. lesson learned.


mama's have you been there? i'd love to hear your thoughts.

5 comments:

  1. recently, twitter folks labelled me a "bad mom" for something I tweeted- I blogged it recently in a light-hearted way, but I will admit that it stung to have anyone think I wasn't a good mom. But, it's also something I allowed myself to be labelled (even in my own words, occasionally). I have two boys but have often said things sarcastically that I wish I could take back. I have beaten myself up for the things I have done that I couldn't undo.
    Thanks for the reminder that, despite it all, I am a good mom.

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  2. So true! How often do I end my silly mommyhood stories with that phrase. Thanks! I'm going to work on that!

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  3. oh have i been there! especially since having a girl have i thought more about my words. specifically words about myself. and then when i began hearing my veryownwords coming out of the mouth of my boy...whew! talk about a life lesson. thanks for the reminder that we all mess up. it is by God's saving grace that we are made new.

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  4. I needed to hear that. thank you for sharing your freinds kind words. motherhood is something we feel so passionately about. I qouldnt care at all if someone commented on my cooking or decorating..whatever. But a bad mom? that stings. Our kids dont need to hear that. we dont need to hear that.

    I am a new follower:)

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  5. so glad you wrote this. thank you!

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words are like honey, sweet to my soul, so feel free to share yours.