:the one where i left the church, yet still worship:

recently i read this post by rachel held evans and it struck a nerve with me, in a good way. the oh-so-we-are-not-alone-in-this-journey way.

we left the church over two years ago.
it was unintentional really. we thought we would simply find another place to belong and possibly begin serving in the church setting again.
we didn't.

we have visited several churches. one church in particular we have been to many times. we love the pastor and his wife and the people are unbelievably welcoming. however, there are few people our age and even fewer children.

having returned to work full-time i became increasingly aware of the time i was missing with my children and decided that sunday was a morning i'd rather spend cherishing my family.

last sunday, i had special time with my girls while jacob and durgin had some guy time. as i walked and at times ran beside eisley riding her bike, giggling so proud of her skills, i worhsipped.

sunday evening when we had friends over for dinner and their children played with my children and laughter filled our home, i worshipped.

sunday night when i read the bible book at bed time and eisley asked the hard questions about heaven, i worshipped.

when my head finally hit the pillow hard next to his and our eyes met, looking deep, knowing one another, i worhsipped.

though i hope to be part of a community, a church one day, i am quite content to simply be the church and worship with my family each day.

::that thing we search for smooth skin to wrinkles::

***

she came running in smiling ear to ear.
"he called me my eisley!"

i giggled and said "yes you are his eisley. he loves you so much."
she smiled a knowing smile and ran back to her room to play.

ownership.
we all desire it
we want to be claimed.
we want someone to want us. to call us "my," "mine," "beloved."
we search for it smooth skin to wrinkles.
this quest, that consumes yet hides in the darkness, paves the way to contentment or demise.

he looked me in the eyes when he said the words that were untrue.
"i love you."
he didn't.
i didn't love him either. i loved the idea of being in love with him.

demise.

seven years later those words resurface. but this time, this one, means it.
he loved me for a while from a distance and has promised to love me forever.
i love.
i am loved.
i am his.

can she skip the untrue?
can she skip the heartache and go straight to the bliss of true love and the promise of forever?

i know the answer. 
so i will show her love at all cost along the way. i will call her "my," "mine," and "beloved," in hopes that she will recognize the lie and wait for the truth.


*linking up with heather for just write

::pinwheels, bunting & a vintage window::

over the weekend i took some time to spruce up the house and make it feel a bit more like spring. 

i made pinwheels for the first time using this tutorial.  i painted an old mason jar white and painted dow rods teal. i also made cute little bunting out of cardstock and biased tape to drape across the window.

a friend gave me several old windows when they renovated their home so i just cleaned it up and added it to the mix. the paint was already there and distressed which was the perfect touch to this spring arrangement.

::the one where i worship with dr. dre and eminem::

:photo source:

her words jumped off the page as i pushed hard on the eliptical pedals and dr. dre's i need a doctor played loud in my ears.

"Not knowing what else to do. I immediately laid my hands on her and began to pray. Within minutes my six little girls were huddled around the bed also lifting their voices to the Lord on behalf of this little girl. Different sizes, different ages, different races, speaking different languages, each of us in our own way pleaded with God for this little girl's life."

the girl was sick and the doctors stumped.
prayer was the answer.

"Although her baffled physicians had done nothing to help her. I went to see her one day and found her condition remarkably improved. The next day she was alert and able to have a conversation with me, and her pain seemed much less severe. The next day she was sitting and laughing, her stomach much less distended.


When I asked the doctors what they had done, they insisted they had done nothing. They believed she was better because we had touched her. I assured them that wasn't possible, but it was definitely possible that she was better because Jesus had touched her through someone who asked Him to do so."

healing.
each time i encounter a story of healing i am encouraged. my faith grows.
like the one about the man who bought a pistol and declared this his last christmas.
and the one about this little darling.
i do believe. help my unbelief, lord.
His stories...our stories...they help our unbelief.

do you have a story of healing? can you help my unbelief?

::the one where i think we might drive off the mountain spiraling to our death:::

:photo source:

deep breath i say to myself as we start down the mountain. he always goes too fast for my comfort. i turn to look away from the possibility that haunts my mind. the possibility of losing control and floating slowly to the earth knowing all the while that these are my last moments.

i turn to look out the window, noticing anything and everything that would take my mind away from such morbid thoughts. the sky spreads that deep carolina blue. the mountain rises high all around us and most of the trees have yet to bloom. i notice the rocks that form the mountain, both rugged and beautiful. though we have made this drive a hundred times over the years i haven't noticed it before. right there in the middle of hard earth, trees growing among the rocks. beauty unexpected.

rohen was moved to the intermediate nursery after her stay in the NICU. exhaustion loomed and discharge was still not on the agenda. my soul was growing weary from lack of sleep and the not knowing. i went in to snuggle with my little darling, wires coming out of her in every direction and the monitor that never shut up in the background. there was a shift change and a new nurse was now in rohen's room. we introduced ourselves and small talked for just a minute. i wasn't in the mood to talk. the dam that i had built when we heard the news about rohen was growing unsteady and the last thing i wanted was to fall apart with a stranger.

the nurse performed her assessments on the other two babies in the room, humming all along with the music i hadn't initially noticed. it was christian music. i typically don't listen to christian music and have a bit of disdain for the whole term "christian" music. but this woman made it all so appealing. her demeanor was compassionate and gentle. as i watched her shower the other babies with love, peace washed over me. she doesn't know it but in that moment she was beauty unexpected.

where have you found beauty unexpected?

::hello mornings::

:photo source:

dear morning, i welcome you.
i wake when she wiggles. no alarm clock needed.
daylight savings grants me an extra hour of sleep from the big kids.

big kids?
seems funny to write when they are but five and nearly three.

i feed, burp and snuggle the little one while coffee brews strong and fills the air with its come-and-get-me-i-will-get-you-through-this-day aroma. she looks around wide-eyed with curiosity at all that is new. she hears her daddy's voice and searches hard for his face.

she knows me and i know her and this is love in its purest form.
she has no expectations of me and i have none of her.

the big kids wake and run to their bowl of cheerios. they chat, argue and watch the birds out the kitchen door. rust-bellied robins visit our porch and we tip-toe to the door for a closer look.

these are mornings in our home.
our sweet season of little ones under our feet.
i drink it in and overflow with gratitude.


*linking up with heather for just write

::learning to care more for his people and less about my floors::

:photo source:

my head nearly hit the roof of the 15 passager van as we drove deep into the mountains of mexico. the path could hardly be considered a road. completely dirt with pot holes knee-deep and bumps knee-high.

it was nearly dark when we approached the small town. dinner waited for us, meat, beans and rice. a table was set for us, the guests of honor. all taking place in a one room cinder block home with one light bulb that hung from make-shift wires.

i was excited for the meat as beans and rice were growing old. as i began to chew...and chew...and chew...the excitement left me. i whispered to the director of our group,
"what is this?" he replied, "goat." i managed to get that bite to my stomach and then discreetly traded him for his plate with no meat.

the family gathered outside to eat their dinner. they considered it an honor to have us and gave us their table inside as a gift. the floors were dirt, the table wooden along with the bench we sat on. there was a mattress along the far corner where the entire family of seven slept each night.

the woman of the house came in to check on us several times trying to refill our plates. she was loving and kind. she gave us her all. she wasn't concerned with dirt floors and a barely functional kitchen. she wasn't bothered by the size of her home and the accommodations she had to offer. she simply opened her home and lavished us with love.

dirty floors do not matter to a mama that needs encouragement. dishes in the sink may only bring comfort to the mama that is overwhelmed. overflowing laundry? who doesn't get behind from time to time (or day to day in my case)?

this is life.
this is motherhood.
let's simply look past it all, pour a hot cup of coffee and have a conversation. whadda ya say?



*linking up with the better mom

::the one where i open my heart and let you peek in {our NICU experience}::

***

i'm watching them explore in the woods behind our house. they imagine great things exist there and he worries about bees he cannot see.

why do we fall prey to things that do not exist, things we cannot see but only worry will come to fruition?

he says to his sister, "eisley, can you pweeeease help me?"

i made the same request to Him as the van galloped along the interstate to the NICU that day.

i do not see prayer as the asking. lots of requests are made but what will be, will be. we can give god credit for the good. what about the bad?

who am i that he should intervene for my child but not the other six along side her that seem so much worse? ventilators, suction machines, bili lights surround them. none hover over my child. none are needed.

as i ride and pray the prayer of asking, i confess my lack of faith in His intervention. not in his power or even his willingness. i know his love is great. but in the thought that life was set in motion by Him long ago. sin entered and we live in a broken world.

maybe He did heal my baby girl, but not others. why? why my request of health honored while others denied? these thoughts haunt my mind.

i'm familiar with the go-to response to those questions, god uses good and bad for his glory. i agree. he does use it. he does not cause it. to say he intervened and caused the good would also demand the alternative of him causing the bad, wouldn't it?

i would never take the life of one of my children to teach a lesson to the other two. scripture says that if i know to give good gifts to my children like bread instead of a stone or fish instead of a snake them wouldn't god give good gifts to those who ask for them?

still i prayed in silence. begging god that she would be fine.

jacob said from the start behind hot tears, "she's okay. there is nothing wrong with her."

i couldn't decide if it was faith or denial, but i found comfort in his confidence even though i was consumed with doubt in a god who rescues.

"please heal my daughter," danced through my mind. the request of jarius desperate for his little one to be okay.

my hands shook as i signed the consent for a lumbar puncture on my 1 day old baby. her hands and feet bruised from needles taking blood for tesitng. 4 days later all tests negative for infection.

healing?

it's all a blur as i look back. only certain of the things i managed to jot down in the midst of chaos. all i know is that her oxygen levels drop during feedings. the solution? thicken her milk and pray that she avoids choking as she eats.

"get her something to eat," jesus said to jarius after he took his daughter by the hand and said "my child, get up."

so we are giving baby rohen something to eat and holding gratitude in our hearts for our jarius story.



*more about the healing of jarius' daughter can be found in the following passages: Luke 8, Matthew 9 and Mark 5

::the one where i pay tribute to the fresh prince and dj jazzy jeff::

***

the to-do list goes on and on and i am a do-er. i like to cross things off my list. i like a tidy home. i like order and routine. yet with three little ones i am finding that the house will not always or even most of the time be tidy. toys will be strewn from one end to the other. dishes will pile in the sink as needs are tended to. dust will accumulate. crumbs will remain on the floor no matter how many times a day i sweep. laundry will pile up. i mean lets be honest that's a task that overwhelmed me with two children and now there are three and i'm considering cloth diapers, so there.

if i did everything on my to-do list every day my children would be very much neglected. they would miss mommy and memories made. when they are grown and have children of their own i want them to look back at their childhood and be able to say i...

played with them every day.
enjoyed motherhood.
made them laugh
extended grace.
made them feel more important than a clean house.
made exceptions to the rules.
was over-the-moon in love with their daddy.
took time to make memories.
was intentional.

in light of my wishlist i start my day thinking of ways i can intentionally engage with my children. i ask myself, how can i know them more today? i find that they talk more, at 5 and almost 3, when we are actively playing together.

{{a few ideas to get the juices flowing}}

craft paper creativity
i took craft paper and taped it across our dinning room table cover each of our place settings.  then i provided markers, stamps, stencils, stickers, fun music and the freedom to create whatever my little darlings' hearts desired.

homemade play-dough
you can find the recipe here. both of my children love to roll out the play-dough and then use it as a stomping ground for their dinosaurs or cars. they make foot prints and tracks galore and then flip it and start all over again.

adventure walk
taking time to walk with my children has proven to be some of the sweetest times we spend together. we look for bugs. we notice flowers in bloom. we climb trees. we collect things. we play i spy. we giggle a lot.

impromptu dance party
when the weather starts to warm up and summer approaches i always think of the song summertime by fresh prince and dj jazzy jeff. yes i realize i am showing my age. i set pandora to {summertime} radio and let the alpine blast and we dance around the house in honor of making memories and the anticipation of summa summa summertime.

toilet paper roll creations
you can search toilet paper roll on pinterest.com and find a ton of different things you can create. we went with butterflies and you can find the tutorial here.

declare it cookie day
we are a low sugar kind of family. something about the way it makes my kids bounce off the walls and is an overall unhealthy habit makes us save sugar for special occasions. so inspired by the lovely amber, we declared it cookie day. and we said it with exclaimation and arms in the air... {COOKIEEEEEE DAY!!!}.

bake together
what adult can't remember the joy of licking the spoon after the baking of a cake or brownies as a kid? it's a favorite past time of mine. so occasionally i let my precious little ones enjoy the indulgence of licking the spoon. look at the joy on her face! makes a mama's heart happy.


what are some ways you spend time with your children?


*linking up with the better mom

::how to encourage those in crisis::

he came in as he always does after assessing the babies. we perked up ready to hear that we had brought another awesome kid into the world. when my eyes met his, my heart dropped, and i knew something was not right.

he went on to describe an episode he witnessed in our newborn baby. i felt the tears welling up and fought them tooth and nail. the doctor walked out and my eyes found his, the one who would carry this burden with me and we fell apart together.

he made all the phone calls.
he handled all the text messages.
he stepped forward and let me withdraw.

they came and took our baby. two of the most precious women along the way- the transport team. they were gentle and compassionate. totally aware of the difficulty we were facing as parents in letting our 1 day old baby girl be taken away by strangers to a strange place.

we made our way to the NICU and found our baby girl in the hands of another angel. she loved on rohen holding her, stroking her hair, sweet talking her as if she were her own. she along with several doctors informed us that she would be there at least 4 days for blood work and testing to see what caused her episode.

four days seemed like an eternity to me.
four days that turned into a week seemed even longer, until i met her.
she said "you must be new here."
i said, "no, we've been here a week."
she said, gently with her hand on my shoulder, "you're new here."

she had been there seven weeks and would be going home with her little one soon. another woman and her baby had been there 107 days and would be going home the monday following our discharge. in retrospect, one week is so minimal in comparison to what most go through. but each day is drawn out and overwhelming when you are in crisis.


{a few things that encouraged us during this time}

• phone calls and text messages galore. i often did not answer the phone if someone called (had to keep those flood gates closed) but the voice mail and text messages were so encouraging.
• a friend of jacob's sister sent us a basket full of snacks, roll of quarters and coloring books for the kids.
• another family member sent money for meals. we ate nearly every meal in the hospital cafeteria and it did get a bit pricey.
• friends and family brought coffee and meals numerous times.
• a friend came and took jacob out to dinner one night, his wife sent socks and a hoodie and my favorite tea.
• friends came and brought our favorite candy.
• family and friends took time to sit with us, laugh with us and show they care.
• our family cleaned our house and washed our clothes so we wouldn't have to wear the same thing the whole week.
• our family arranged for our two darlings, 5 and 2 to be cared for the entire week and we never had to worry.
• my father-in-law and brother-in-law jumped off our van when the battery went dead. (i may or may not have left the interior light on)
• everyone gets credit for overlooking the terrible smell of our stinky feet from wearing the same pair of toms all week. (however, i did get a new pair mid-week and i will share that story another time)
• prayer. lots and lots of prayer.

more to come on our NICU story.

luke 8:50

"hearing this, jesus said to jarius, don't be afraid, just believe and she will be healed."

what are some other ways to reach out to those in crisis?

::phoebe or rachel::

arms flailing...sort of like that episode of friends where Phoebe and Rachel are running buddies. she's Phoebe. i am too often Rachel.

smile ear to ear.
she runs and squeals totally unaware of my presence.
she doesn't care who is watching.
she is not performing.
she is not seeking approval.
she has no need to impress.
she feels no insecurity.


in turn, she feels freedom.
she feels joy inexplicable.
she feels wild abandon.
she is at play.
play = joy.

she is teaching me life abundant...and i am thankful.

have you played with wild abandon today?

:: no one as good as him::

:photo source::

she picks out the book and lays it on the bed. i notice her watching me. waiting for my response. she chose that one again. the one that makes me cry. she knows this and is curious.

the lines read,

"the last time that you said you'd marry me when you grew old"

and she asks,

"mommy, can little girls marry their daddy's?"

she shares her dream often. she will marry daddy. durgin will marry me and we will live side by side. she's five and this is her reality. however, her question was more serious this time. as if someone has already told her the answer. so i respond with the honesty she is seeking.

"no eisley, they can't."

her lip turns out and head tips towards the floor. she is overcome with sadness at this news. searching my mind for wisdom and comfort, i say,

"you can marry someone as good as daddy."

she looks at me with pure conviction and responds through tears,

"but there is no one as good as daddy."

he has set the bar extremely high and i pray she never seeks less than a man like her daddy.




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